The Best Joke in Television
by Claefaece
Summary: OneShot. The Joker gets himself a short-lived televison show. Murder ensues. Ratings are high--when will networks learn?


The audience sat quietly awaiting for the 'show' to start. They shifted in their seats and looked at the red curtain in front of the stage. They knew who would come out from behind the curtain—they didn't know when.

Suddenly the applause signs hanging above the stage lit up, and the curtain flew open. The host of the 'show' ran out and took a bow, but there was no applause. The host rose from his bow to reveal his frowning, chalky-white face. He rushed to the wing of the stage, and quickly returned with a pistol held high in the air.

"When the host comes out for the beginning of the show, you applaud…" he said firing a shot into the head of a woman in the front row. "…and SMILE!" He continued, pointing the end of his gun to his large yellow smile that had replaced his angry frown as soon as his pistol was fired. "Let us try it again shall we?" He rushed backstage and the curtain closed again.

The applause signs lit up again. This time everyone clapped and smiled, except the woman in the front row who sat lifeless and slumped backward in her seat, dark blood driveling onto the knee of the person behind her. When the curtain flew open, The Joker ran out once again and bowed like before, basking in the audience's applause. He lifted his arms up and down to tell the audience to quiet down and they obeyed. The Clown Prince cleared his throat and began to speak to the camera.

"Attention ladies and gentleman! Welcome to the show! I'm your loveable host The Joker!" The audience broke into another fit of prompted applause. The Joker quieted them down again. "Now you're probably wondering: 'Joker why did you interrupt my favorite show?', 'Why aren't you mayor mister Joker?', 'How come Pluto isn't a planet anymore?'"

The Joker suddenly seemed angry. "Well you have a lot of damn questions, don'tcha!?" he exclaimed, pointing his finger at the camera. "Well, people, I have quite the show for you. It's better than anything else on television!" he said, suddenly calm.

Suddenly, two large men wearing clown masks and carrying machine guns dragged Commissioner Gordon, bound and gagged, onto center stage. The Joker cocked his pistol and walked over to where Gordon sat with his hands tied behind his back.

"Hello Commissioner!" The Joker rubbed his gun against the side of the commissioner's face. "What do you have to say to the nice folks, Comishy?" the murderous clown asked, taking the gag out of the commissioner's mouth.

Gordon looked up at the camera with anger in his eyes. "HELP!" he cried. The Joker quickly moved to put the gag back in his mouth. "I'M AT—" said the commissioner, his words being interrupted by the gag.

"Nah-uh, Commissioner! Not what our audience was looking for!" reprimanded The Joker, wagging his finger in Gordon's face. "Just for that outburst, you loose your chance to be the second most important person in this segment."

The Joker signaled his clowns to bring someone from the audience to the stage. The machine gun totting henchmen brought back a badly beaten policeman and threw him next to Gordon.

"Now's the time on today's show I'd like to call truth time!" The Joker exclaimed, while he paced the stage, pistol in hand. "It's very simple. I use my truth telling device—," he said lifting up his gun. "—and if the answer I get isn't truthful… KA-BLAMMO!"

He burst into mad laughter, whilst the policemen at his feet looked up at him. The Joker looked down and saw the anxiety in his face. "Oh, calm down, Officer! It's only a little gunshot to the head!" he exclaimed, patting the police officer's head. "It won't kill you! –oh, that's right…" The Joker frowned and shrugged, lifting his hands up.

The Joker cocked his gun and bent down so he was eye-level with the cop. "The first question," he began. "Is from Timmy in Ohio. And he asks, 'Dear Mr. Policeman—am I to call you Mr. Policeman? Oh, anyway—have you ever killed a man? It'd be super neat-o if you did!' Yes it would be, Timmy. So, Officer...?"

The policeman began to shake as he lifted his eyes to The Joker. "Y-yes," he said.

"Gooood!" said the Joker. "I knew you would do good. I mean, who could disappoint good old Timmy? The second question comes to us from Bangkok. It says… Mmm… It seems to be written in Taiwanese. I can't read that! Oh, Hell. _Here's_ the next question: can you read Taiwanese?"

"Uh, n-no," answered the cop.

"Goooood! Now, here's a tough one!" exclaimed the Joker, lifting his gun high into the air. "This one's from Bessie in… my head! She wants to know, 'are you a filthy, despicable excuse for a human being?"

"No…"

"Wrong answer!"

He stepped in front of the policeman and pulled his trigger. Blood and brains splattered onto the red curtain behind them. Gordon tried to let out a scream, but it was muffled by the gag. The Joker let out another stream of laughter.

"Now folks," said The Joker when he was done laughing. "This is the part of the show where I give advice to the youth out there, who're misguided and just looking for answers. Now, let's bring up a kid who says he's having problems with school… Timmy from Ohio!"

A gaudy theme music played and the camera focused on two empty chairs set up in the usual format for an interview, with a sign behind it that read "TEEN TROUBLES". The Joker took a seat on one of the chairs, but no one else entered.

"Now," the Joker said intensely, leaning forward toward the empty chair. "Now, Timmy, I understand you're having troubles in school."

The Joker quickly ran to the other chair. "Oh, yes. You see, I simply brought a piece of dynamite to the classroom, and they took it away. I feel they're trying to stifle my creative processes!"

He quickly returned to the first chair and sat down. "Hm. Go on," he said before leaping to his feet and running to "Timmy's" chair.

"That's enough, Joker," said a gritty voice. A shadow appeared at the edge of the stage—Batman.

"An unwanted guest!" exclaimed the Joker, standing. "How dare you interrupt _Teen Troubles_?!"

Above the stage, a light labeled 'Boo' lit up. The audience complied weakly, in a quiet, half-hearted manner.

"That's not how you boo!" screamed the Joker, wheeling on them. "Who taught you people how to boo?!"

Batman moved toward him.

"Back off, or I'll kill… uh, him!" yelled the Joker, pointing to a random audience member. Batman continued forward, still.

"No you're not, Joker," said the Dark Knight.

"You're right," said the Clown Prince of Crime, lowering his gun from the audience member's direction. He turned it on Batman. "I'm going to kill you!"

He let a shot fly. Batman ducked to the left, out of the way. Then he lunged forward. He tackled the clown, knocking the gun from his hand. The Joker struggled to get free, but could only stare into Batman's eyes, blood dripping from a cut in his lip.

"You _bastard_!" yelled the Joker. "All I wanted to do was tell a _joke_—make the people who haven't heard it before laugh! But you had to ruin it… You had to tell people _you heard it before_, and tell people how it ends."

The Joker looked at the crowd. "All I wanted to do was hear the laughter…"


End file.
